End of the road, sort of.

For the past month or so, I have been contemplating the last resort I spoke of in my first blog. Weight loss surgery. I've been researching the lap-band, the less invasive procedure. I'm fed up. I keep falling and hurting myself; I'm having foot pain that has literally kept me off of my feet (doctors orders); and I've gained back the measly 4 pounds I've lost since I started this journey.....again. That, and I feel like poop. I can definitely tell I'm not the fit and active Lori that I was last summer. I'm sooo not feeling Fabulous At Thirty. I'm simply feeling fat. And discouraged. So, why not take the easy way out and have surgery.

I have had friends that have had weight loss surgery, and let me tell you, it is certainly not the easy way out. Just ask someone who has had it. I know people, big and small, who assume that it is a cop-out. That the fat person is just too lazy to do it the hard way. But that is far from the truth for most people. Of course there are some who have this surgery who think it is like the fairy waiving the magic wand; poof, your skinny. They had a rude awakening. But weight loss surgery is not easy. It is hard, it requires a lot of work and a lot of discipline to ensure you lose the weight properly. You have to do specific things at specific times and exercise and follow the rules or you can get sick, malnourished and potentially kill yourself. Those are tall orders, just to lose weight. If I do opt to go this route, now would be the time to do it, as I wouldn't have to pay a penny because I've hit my out of pocket for my insurance.

So why not? Seems like an easy decision, right? HARDLY! I'm struggling with it big time for various reasons. 1) I'm not a fan of surgery. 2) I'm not convinced I've actually done everything I can to lose this weight. 3) If I lose just 10 pounds, I'm not even qualified! 4) If I do this, how can I mentor young obese people who would not have this option. 5) Is this God's plan?

Yes, I know. I think too much. I wish I didn't some times, but I have to believe that there is a reason I do. So, I'm going to type through my reasons.

1) Easy. I've had surgery twice now (not including my wisdom teeth), and really am not a fan of the way it makes me feel or the after effects.

2) I talk a lot. I know what to do. I just don't do it. I make a lot of excuses. I have a lot of good excuses too, but sometimes I think I lean too heavily on the good excuses turning them into bad excuses. And if I have not done everything on my own, who is to say that I will do everything necessary for the surgery to be a success? I sure would hate to waste a good surgeons skills and potentially worsen my health, because I can't follow through with anything.

3) If I just lose 1o pounds, I'm not qualified? What? Seriously? YES! Right now I am technically 100 lbs overweight, with a BMI of 43 or something like that. I qualify for surgery right now, based on my BMI. But if I lose 10 pounds, my BMI will drop to 40. At this time, I will only qualify for surgery if I have two medical problems associated with morbid obesity. I currently only have one. Hmmm. And, if I lose just 50 pounds, I am no longer considered morbidly obese. After reading these statistics, something ignited in me.

4) One of the things I have been called to do by our Heavenly Father is to work with obese children. I know this isn't in my head, because I hear this calling all the time. It's God telling me get your mind right Lori, it's time to make a change so you can finally answer your calling. I feel like I am being disobedient right now. A stubborn child with my own, or lack there of, agenda. How can I help young children change their ways, when I cannot even do it myself. As I drive down the street in a poor area in Birmingham stuffing my face with the Hardees breakfast sandwich and tub of coke, I see an entire family of morbidly obese people, right down to the 2 year old who looked to be about 5. What is wrong with me? I have the resources to make a change for myself. These people do not. I know better, they probably don't. But what am I doing? Sabotaging myself as I fill my body with this nasty stuff that is convenient. Not cool. I have heard my calling. Many people wait years or an entire lifetime for this, but not me. I heard it. And I'm not doing anything about it but thinking. I need to start acting, and I don't think that weight loss surgery is what God had planned for me. If I can't do what I need to help our future do, how can I help them?

5) Finally, is this God's plan for me? Or is this the convenient Hardees breakfast sandwich option? Yes, it would be convenient to have this helping hand in my weight loss journey. But is it obedient? There are people who have this surgery because they need it. It's life or death for them. It's not life or death for me. I think I can do this on my own. I just need to dedicate myself to it. I know this, so why is it so hard?

And that's it. 5 reasons why I'm not sure I should go this route. I think it is pretty clear. But yet, I still don't know what I am going to do. What now?

Here is the plan. I am going to give myself 25 days to do everything right. I'm going to allow myself margin for error. I'm going to plan for my weaknesses. I'm going to exercise everyday, in some form. I'm going to include my family and anyone who reads this on my journey. I'm going to count my calories, and log my workouts. I'm going to pray before every meal. I'm going to pray for God to help the food I eat nourish my body and for Him to nourish my soul so that I am not hungry. I'm going to discipline myself. I'm going to journal, every day. I'm not going to have any expectations at the end of my 25 days other than to do what I said I'm going to do. If I can do this, and I lose weight and disqualify myself for surgery, then there is my answer. If I do this and I don't lose any weight, and am still qualified for this surgery, I will schedule and appointment next month. This is my challenge to myself. If I can follow through with this and know I did everything within my power to help myself, then I will know what I am supposed to do in the end. And it will be spirit led. Because if God wants me to do it on my own, he will help me. If God wants me to seek the help of his skilled servants, then he will lead me there. But it's not up to me. I don't get to make this decision for myself.

So, if you read this, I ask you to pray for me. And if you love me, I ask you to remember that when I'm not so nice during parts of this challenge. Because I'm sure this isn't going to be easy. I've never regimented myself this strictly before, nor have I followed through with something so stringent. But it has never been more important than it is right now.