Here we are, the night before my deadline for making a decision is up. To call the surgeon or not to call. That is the question. And the answer is.....not yet. July has been one heck of a month. It started off with an unexpected death in the family. Then travel. Then two weeks away from life as we know it; from our comfy routine. Two weeks of very easy excuses to fail. Then we came back. We didn't go grocery shopping that entire first week, so we ate out 5 out of 7 nights; some days for me, 3 different meals! Then our babysitters gave their notice. Then I have the stress of finding a new childcare arrangement. Oh, and getting behind on school work and then this and then that and then this and that, and what do you call it??? OH....LIFE! Ha. Wasn't my last blog about how life gets in the way?
So a lesson learned this month is I need to be better equipped to handle the unplanned. Could I have handled my challenges differently? Absolutely! Do I know what I did wrong? Yup. Do I know what I am going to do to change things? Not completely. But I do know what I am going to do to try.
My biggest struggle right now is time. I just go with the motions. I wake up and drag my tail for an hour before I realize I'm about to be late. Then I go to work, do my thing, rush home starving, snack while I make dinner then eat super fast only to be hungry within an hour. Then I play on the computer, do school work and go to bed, only to start the vicious cycle again the next day. The one piece missing is the 30 minutes of exercise I need to move forward with my goals. Where the heck can that go? What really needs to happen, is I need to set the alarm, drag my rear out of bed and go to the gym. If I can get myself back into that early rising routine, I could potentially get my workout in and at least part of my school work done before the sun even rises. This would allow me to spend less time on this laptop at night, more time with the kiddos and get to bed earlier so I can do it all the next day.
This is why I am requesting an extension. I need to give myself one more month. I have until September to make the call. That will still give me the necessary 3 months of supervised dieting I need, and still have the procedure done this year so I don't have to pay for it. And I am going to try. I really am. I don't feel like I tried last month. I didn't give myself a fair shot. I had a lot of curve balls. I didn't dodge them very well. I wasn't very graceful in my actions. I didn't pray much at all, or relinquish control to the Lord, in respect to weight loss anyway.
So I'm going to stick to my plan of not making plans. I will do my best to eat well, workout, and try to get my life back in order after an entirely chaotic month. I am going to embrace my challenges faithfully and by the Grace of God. I am going to remember why this is important and who is really in control. I'm going to pray and pray and pray more. I'm going to seek guidance instead of giving in to temptation.
It is not easy to change. And contrary to popular belief, you can't just wake up in the morning to everything being perfect. Point is, I know I am not perfect, and I am perfectly okay with that. I know I am a work in progress. I know God has a plan for me, and that I am the only road block. I know that when I worry, I am only setting myself back. I realize my weaknesses. And I realize the seriousness of them. I can feel God smacking me upside my head. I just need to do something about it before he has to take drastic measures.
My prayer for this month is simple. Lord, please forgive me for my weaknesses. Thank you for your unconditional love and forgiveness. Thank you for the plans you have for me. Help me be a faithful child. Help me open my eyes, heart and mind to the path you have laid for me. Help me listen for you when I feel tempted to walk backwards. Thank you for giving me another chance, every single day. In your Holy Name I pray, Amen.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
When life gets in the way.
So week one of my challenge for myself didn't go so hot. It started off okay until we got the phone call that a loved one had passed. So we packed the bags and left town. I did alright on the road, making healthy food choices at the fast food restaurants (with the exception of the necessary caffeine in the coke form) and even discovering my ability to do jumping jacks again, in the bathroom in a gas station. Then we arrived. And there was food. Lots and lots of food. And there really wasn't anything to do but eat. So that's what I did, along with everyone else. I really am not upset with myself. Life gets in the way sometimes. But my stomach is pretty ticked. I feel awful, duh! Then I discovered the recumbent bike in my father-in-laws basement. I'm pretty sure I heard it speak to me. It said something like "No more excuses Lori, I am here, where have you been?" And now I have a plan. I know I'm not going to eat well tonight, as I sit here at Wendy's finishing up this weeks homework downing a tub of coke and a small fry, so I don't feel guilty using the free wireless. But tomorrow is a new day (thank you God) and I WILL rejoice in it! I get the pleasure of working with some old co-workers while here in Ohio, so not to eat up all of my vacation time. Before work, I will ride that bike for as long as I can stand it, and do as many of my physical therapy exercises as I can without the fancy equipment. I will eat better. I will not give in to temptations. I will remind myself of the reasons I am on this mission. My step mother-in-law was not a healthy person, physically. She was overweight and sedentary. It was not like she didn't have ample opportunity to take care of herself (hello recumbent bike and stash of really nice walking shoes) She just got stuck in her habits of reading, gaming and face booking. She didn't move, and she didn't pay attention to the cues her body was giving her. She died of a massive heart attack at the young age of 56, leaving behind a husband that adored her and a son and future daughter-in-law who thought the world of her. No one will know why she let herself go like this but her and God. But her passing is a wake-up call for those of us who plan to occupy these earthly bodies God has provided for us. I am only 30, have high blood pressure and a long family history of heart disease. So, even though there are mounds of delicious looking food, and really comfy couches and patio furniture at my disposal for the next 5 days, it is up to me to avoid them. And if I want to stay here for very much longer, I guess I'd better ignore them and remember those two beautiful children, amazing husband and this golden path God has paved for me. Recumbent bike and healthy food, welcome back into my life. Delicious looking temptations, it was nice knowing you!
Many Blessings!
Many Blessings!
Saturday, July 3, 2010
End of the road, sort of.
For the past month or so, I have been contemplating the last resort I spoke of in my first blog. Weight loss surgery. I've been researching the lap-band, the less invasive procedure. I'm fed up. I keep falling and hurting myself; I'm having foot pain that has literally kept me off of my feet (doctors orders); and I've gained back the measly 4 pounds I've lost since I started this journey.....again. That, and I feel like poop. I can definitely tell I'm not the fit and active Lori that I was last summer. I'm sooo not feeling Fabulous At Thirty. I'm simply feeling fat. And discouraged. So, why not take the easy way out and have surgery.
I have had friends that have had weight loss surgery, and let me tell you, it is certainly not the easy way out. Just ask someone who has had it. I know people, big and small, who assume that it is a cop-out. That the fat person is just too lazy to do it the hard way. But that is far from the truth for most people. Of course there are some who have this surgery who think it is like the fairy waiving the magic wand; poof, your skinny. They had a rude awakening. But weight loss surgery is not easy. It is hard, it requires a lot of work and a lot of discipline to ensure you lose the weight properly. You have to do specific things at specific times and exercise and follow the rules or you can get sick, malnourished and potentially kill yourself. Those are tall orders, just to lose weight. If I do opt to go this route, now would be the time to do it, as I wouldn't have to pay a penny because I've hit my out of pocket for my insurance.
So why not? Seems like an easy decision, right? HARDLY! I'm struggling with it big time for various reasons. 1) I'm not a fan of surgery. 2) I'm not convinced I've actually done everything I can to lose this weight. 3) If I lose just 10 pounds, I'm not even qualified! 4) If I do this, how can I mentor young obese people who would not have this option. 5) Is this God's plan?
Yes, I know. I think too much. I wish I didn't some times, but I have to believe that there is a reason I do. So, I'm going to type through my reasons.
1) Easy. I've had surgery twice now (not including my wisdom teeth), and really am not a fan of the way it makes me feel or the after effects.
2) I talk a lot. I know what to do. I just don't do it. I make a lot of excuses. I have a lot of good excuses too, but sometimes I think I lean too heavily on the good excuses turning them into bad excuses. And if I have not done everything on my own, who is to say that I will do everything necessary for the surgery to be a success? I sure would hate to waste a good surgeons skills and potentially worsen my health, because I can't follow through with anything.
3) If I just lose 1o pounds, I'm not qualified? What? Seriously? YES! Right now I am technically 100 lbs overweight, with a BMI of 43 or something like that. I qualify for surgery right now, based on my BMI. But if I lose 10 pounds, my BMI will drop to 40. At this time, I will only qualify for surgery if I have two medical problems associated with morbid obesity. I currently only have one. Hmmm. And, if I lose just 50 pounds, I am no longer considered morbidly obese. After reading these statistics, something ignited in me.
4) One of the things I have been called to do by our Heavenly Father is to work with obese children. I know this isn't in my head, because I hear this calling all the time. It's God telling me get your mind right Lori, it's time to make a change so you can finally answer your calling. I feel like I am being disobedient right now. A stubborn child with my own, or lack there of, agenda. How can I help young children change their ways, when I cannot even do it myself. As I drive down the street in a poor area in Birmingham stuffing my face with the Hardees breakfast sandwich and tub of coke, I see an entire family of morbidly obese people, right down to the 2 year old who looked to be about 5. What is wrong with me? I have the resources to make a change for myself. These people do not. I know better, they probably don't. But what am I doing? Sabotaging myself as I fill my body with this nasty stuff that is convenient. Not cool. I have heard my calling. Many people wait years or an entire lifetime for this, but not me. I heard it. And I'm not doing anything about it but thinking. I need to start acting, and I don't think that weight loss surgery is what God had planned for me. If I can't do what I need to help our future do, how can I help them?
5) Finally, is this God's plan for me? Or is this the convenient Hardees breakfast sandwich option? Yes, it would be convenient to have this helping hand in my weight loss journey. But is it obedient? There are people who have this surgery because they need it. It's life or death for them. It's not life or death for me. I think I can do this on my own. I just need to dedicate myself to it. I know this, so why is it so hard?
And that's it. 5 reasons why I'm not sure I should go this route. I think it is pretty clear. But yet, I still don't know what I am going to do. What now?
Here is the plan. I am going to give myself 25 days to do everything right. I'm going to allow myself margin for error. I'm going to plan for my weaknesses. I'm going to exercise everyday, in some form. I'm going to include my family and anyone who reads this on my journey. I'm going to count my calories, and log my workouts. I'm going to pray before every meal. I'm going to pray for God to help the food I eat nourish my body and for Him to nourish my soul so that I am not hungry. I'm going to discipline myself. I'm going to journal, every day. I'm not going to have any expectations at the end of my 25 days other than to do what I said I'm going to do. If I can do this, and I lose weight and disqualify myself for surgery, then there is my answer. If I do this and I don't lose any weight, and am still qualified for this surgery, I will schedule and appointment next month. This is my challenge to myself. If I can follow through with this and know I did everything within my power to help myself, then I will know what I am supposed to do in the end. And it will be spirit led. Because if God wants me to do it on my own, he will help me. If God wants me to seek the help of his skilled servants, then he will lead me there. But it's not up to me. I don't get to make this decision for myself.
So, if you read this, I ask you to pray for me. And if you love me, I ask you to remember that when I'm not so nice during parts of this challenge. Because I'm sure this isn't going to be easy. I've never regimented myself this strictly before, nor have I followed through with something so stringent. But it has never been more important than it is right now.
I have had friends that have had weight loss surgery, and let me tell you, it is certainly not the easy way out. Just ask someone who has had it. I know people, big and small, who assume that it is a cop-out. That the fat person is just too lazy to do it the hard way. But that is far from the truth for most people. Of course there are some who have this surgery who think it is like the fairy waiving the magic wand; poof, your skinny. They had a rude awakening. But weight loss surgery is not easy. It is hard, it requires a lot of work and a lot of discipline to ensure you lose the weight properly. You have to do specific things at specific times and exercise and follow the rules or you can get sick, malnourished and potentially kill yourself. Those are tall orders, just to lose weight. If I do opt to go this route, now would be the time to do it, as I wouldn't have to pay a penny because I've hit my out of pocket for my insurance.
So why not? Seems like an easy decision, right? HARDLY! I'm struggling with it big time for various reasons. 1) I'm not a fan of surgery. 2) I'm not convinced I've actually done everything I can to lose this weight. 3) If I lose just 10 pounds, I'm not even qualified! 4) If I do this, how can I mentor young obese people who would not have this option. 5) Is this God's plan?
Yes, I know. I think too much. I wish I didn't some times, but I have to believe that there is a reason I do. So, I'm going to type through my reasons.
1) Easy. I've had surgery twice now (not including my wisdom teeth), and really am not a fan of the way it makes me feel or the after effects.
2) I talk a lot. I know what to do. I just don't do it. I make a lot of excuses. I have a lot of good excuses too, but sometimes I think I lean too heavily on the good excuses turning them into bad excuses. And if I have not done everything on my own, who is to say that I will do everything necessary for the surgery to be a success? I sure would hate to waste a good surgeons skills and potentially worsen my health, because I can't follow through with anything.
3) If I just lose 1o pounds, I'm not qualified? What? Seriously? YES! Right now I am technically 100 lbs overweight, with a BMI of 43 or something like that. I qualify for surgery right now, based on my BMI. But if I lose 10 pounds, my BMI will drop to 40. At this time, I will only qualify for surgery if I have two medical problems associated with morbid obesity. I currently only have one. Hmmm. And, if I lose just 50 pounds, I am no longer considered morbidly obese. After reading these statistics, something ignited in me.
4) One of the things I have been called to do by our Heavenly Father is to work with obese children. I know this isn't in my head, because I hear this calling all the time. It's God telling me get your mind right Lori, it's time to make a change so you can finally answer your calling. I feel like I am being disobedient right now. A stubborn child with my own, or lack there of, agenda. How can I help young children change their ways, when I cannot even do it myself. As I drive down the street in a poor area in Birmingham stuffing my face with the Hardees breakfast sandwich and tub of coke, I see an entire family of morbidly obese people, right down to the 2 year old who looked to be about 5. What is wrong with me? I have the resources to make a change for myself. These people do not. I know better, they probably don't. But what am I doing? Sabotaging myself as I fill my body with this nasty stuff that is convenient. Not cool. I have heard my calling. Many people wait years or an entire lifetime for this, but not me. I heard it. And I'm not doing anything about it but thinking. I need to start acting, and I don't think that weight loss surgery is what God had planned for me. If I can't do what I need to help our future do, how can I help them?
5) Finally, is this God's plan for me? Or is this the convenient Hardees breakfast sandwich option? Yes, it would be convenient to have this helping hand in my weight loss journey. But is it obedient? There are people who have this surgery because they need it. It's life or death for them. It's not life or death for me. I think I can do this on my own. I just need to dedicate myself to it. I know this, so why is it so hard?
And that's it. 5 reasons why I'm not sure I should go this route. I think it is pretty clear. But yet, I still don't know what I am going to do. What now?
Here is the plan. I am going to give myself 25 days to do everything right. I'm going to allow myself margin for error. I'm going to plan for my weaknesses. I'm going to exercise everyday, in some form. I'm going to include my family and anyone who reads this on my journey. I'm going to count my calories, and log my workouts. I'm going to pray before every meal. I'm going to pray for God to help the food I eat nourish my body and for Him to nourish my soul so that I am not hungry. I'm going to discipline myself. I'm going to journal, every day. I'm not going to have any expectations at the end of my 25 days other than to do what I said I'm going to do. If I can do this, and I lose weight and disqualify myself for surgery, then there is my answer. If I do this and I don't lose any weight, and am still qualified for this surgery, I will schedule and appointment next month. This is my challenge to myself. If I can follow through with this and know I did everything within my power to help myself, then I will know what I am supposed to do in the end. And it will be spirit led. Because if God wants me to do it on my own, he will help me. If God wants me to seek the help of his skilled servants, then he will lead me there. But it's not up to me. I don't get to make this decision for myself.
So, if you read this, I ask you to pray for me. And if you love me, I ask you to remember that when I'm not so nice during parts of this challenge. Because I'm sure this isn't going to be easy. I've never regimented myself this strictly before, nor have I followed through with something so stringent. But it has never been more important than it is right now.
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