So not much has improved since my last post. Little things here and there, but really nothing to boast about. I continue to be my biggest barrier. I'm super good at doing for everyone else but bad at anything for myself. And this morning I was pondering how not doing super good at the Lori thing can also be bad for the little me running around.
It is hard to be a mommy. I have two beautiful children. My son is a rambunctious five year old. More on him another time though. My daughter is seven years old, a born leader, strong in every sense of the word. She is tall, smart, artistic, sweet, caring, compassionate, creative and stubborn as all get-up. But she is also confident. That is huge to me! So I think about all of the qualities she has and what a wonderful young lady she is growing up to be, and I beam with pride. I know that she gets some of that from me, and I'm thankful. I wish I had an ounce of that growing up. I think I did when I was five, but it all withered away when I started school. It went down hill from there until I really figured out that it was okay to be me. My goal is to never let her get to that point. But how do I do that?
If you have followed my blog for anytime, you know that I have always been a big girl. My mom denies I was born big, but I'm thinking her eyeglasses prescription was bad because I have seen photos. Once I started school, I was always the big kid. I've always been tall for my age anyway. When I was little, I was called "Tall and big boned" As I entered the world, I was "fat". I was always a loner, never really had too many friends. Actually, I had great friends, but they were the teachers and my parents adult friends or elderly neighbors, never really kids. I wasn't invited to birthday parties unless to be made fun of. I was never selected in gym class to be on a team. You know, typical sob story. I developed into this kid who always wanted to do for others and fix things. Of course, I know now that my motives were not healthy. I was trying to "buy" affection. But, still, that much has not changed as I matured. I love to do for others still, I'm just more aware. Anyway, through those experiences, I learned a lot about people. I had a lot of time to sit on the sidelines and observe. And when I was finally able to come out of my own skin and own who I am, it really worked to my advantage. Now, I am a confident woman, for the most part. But the most part is what my daughter sees. And I hope that is the image she is trying to follow and learn from. I still worry; I know I'm not perfect. I try so hard to set the right example for my kids. They have been instrumental in my wellness journey, and I have worked to include them every step of the way. But I'm failing. Myself first, and then them.
Here is where I am worried. My sweet girl loves herself and I love it. I wish I had an ounce of that confidence. She knows she's beautiful but she is humble. She knows she's unique and she works her talents. She listens and observes and helps and loves. My oh my does she LOVE. I'm worried though, because she is so much like me, that I fear she will think that it is okay to be the lazy, overweight, sloppy woman that I can be sometimes. I have worked hard to leave body image out of any conversation. My wellness journey has never been about looks. It has always been about getting healthy so that we can live a long life. We talk about healthy foods and why it is important to exercise. But never about size or doing it to lose weight. Well, I do it to lose weight. She often tells me "Mommy, you know that isn't going to help you lose weight!!". I love her for it! :) But talk is talk. Knowledge is nothing if you don't put it to use. I tell my kids to eat healthy and we order pizza and eat at McDonalds three times a week. I tell them to exercise, but when they ask to do it, I say I'm too tired. I suck at living out this example I need so badly to set for them.
My fear is that she will think that is okay, and just continue to grow, but not in a healthy way. And I know in my heart it is not about what she looks like. But I DO NOT EVER want her to have to deal with the struggles that I dealt with growing up. I want her to prosper. I want her to feel confident to volunteer or participate in a club, or talk to a group of kids without the fear of what they will think. And I can do everything in my power to teach and share with her the importance of love and faith and confidence and etc etc, but I can't control what happens when I'm not there. I want her to be able to stand up tall and strong and fight for those who are the little girl I was in that class. I don't want her spirit broken, because I'm not teaching her the right stuff. Already she is so much stronger than I ever was. She is the ME of NOW and not the scared, sad, lonely little girl I was in second grade. I thank GOD everyday for that.
So how does a mother do that? School is so much different now than it was when I was her age. Kids are more and more brutal everyday. What I think I have to realize is this: It's not just about ME anymore. I need to start LIVING out the many things I KNOW. I need to LEAD by example, something I do very well in every other aspect of my life. So many times throughout the history of this blog, I've stated that it has to be about me. Well, I don't work very well for me. This is something I'm still trying hard to learn to do. But maybe if I change my focus on this just a little...tweak it a bit, and remember that if I fail, I fail for my kids, then I might be able to make the changes necessary and make them permanent.
My biggest fear is failing as a mother. I know I can't protect them all of the time. But I need to start working hard to prepare them for the challenges they will face. A good friend has been trying to get this through my VERY thick skull. I need to teach and share. That is all I can do. And though it is not all about me, it really has to start with me.
So I will close with this: Being a mommy is the single most difficult job I have ever had. I'm so not good at it, but I'm trying. I work hard everyday to be a better person for my kids. I fail ALL THE TIME. I am trying hard to not look at it as failure, but rather as lessons. Lessons to learn from and then to share.
Peace, friends,
~Mommylah~
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